There's advice all over the Internet and in books and articles everywhere that tell one how to fight back against abuse. The first thing you can do is to tell everyone else about the harassment and abuse. It is said that this step, coming out of secrecy and shining the light of day on the abuse is the first step towards healing yourself. This is where you find out exactly who your real friends are and who is just as messed up as the people abusing you.
Perfect example...I have a "friend" that is involved in my family's affairs to a certain extent. She is, unfortunately, ever-present in my community. I have had problems with her in the past. She was obscenely jealous of my education in college and even worse when I went to grad school. I guess growing up in a family of sociopaths gives you a strange view of what love and friendship is all about. You tend to (you can read this in articles as well) surround yourself with sociopaths like the ones at home because it feels "right" to you. Love is conditional in your family and it becomes that way in friendships and with your boyfriends/ girlfriends. Extremely judgemental people who are controlling seems like home to you so you welcome them in. So I have to forgive myself for having invited her in several times.
Anyway, this "friend" over the years has pulled some wild things. I dated a NPD years back and she took his side in a lot of things, saying I was wrong and he was on the right side of things. She knew I was abused by him physically and raped as well by him. She still took his side. Yeah, friends are supposed to wish you well, not take the side of your abuser. Once I got rid of him, I did the "fade" on her as well. I just didn't need toxic people in my life. She visited me once in grad school...that was like the last straw. She managed in one night to insult me horribly in front of my professional school friends, befriend a girl from my school that no one could stand, watch while I got physically sick with apathy, and tell my my friends were imaginary because she didn't meet most of them that night. "Questions your perception of reality.."...certainly a trait of an abusive person in your life.
Lucky me, she is associated with my family now. Best is, Momster has treated her like she is her replacement daughter to me, flattering her, using her financially, and all around kissing her ass. The psychotic Twister game of manipulation that goes on between those two must be amazing. I go cross-eyed thinking about the conversations they have. I digress...
So after I left the uBPDxbf, I am now in the area with this "friend". I set out boundaries straight out. Tell her I was abused (she probably thought I made that one up too) and that I need my privacy. In other words, kindly back off--I need my space. I told her that the NPD was a saint compared to what the uBPDxbf had done to me. She had no emotion to this, didn't even flinch. I was astonished at her callousness. Then after things busted out with my family last year, I told her a little of what they were up to as well. Some of the stalking, some of the things that were said, how my mother treated me, how I was fearful of my own brother, etc. Not only did she act like she didn't care, she dismissed my accusations of abuse. "Oh, everyone has family trouble, Ahimsa." I could practically hear her rolling her eyes.
Every time a victim is dismissed and ignored by people and society at large, they help another crime to happen. After she had done this several times to me, I put her in the same category as my family...I am NC with her as well. She recently had a child and I am sorry, I see this as no saving grace for her. First off, if she is a BPD like my mother ("friend" has raged at me in the past) on top of having a drinking problem, that kid's life will be a mess. I fear for the hell that child will grow up in. The "friend" is still a heartless, cruel, superficial, climbing, back-stabbing "person". Just because she managed to have a child does not change that at all. She receives no pity or congratulations from me. I know exactly what that kid's life is going to be like, I am going through it now. I feel nothing for this "friend" and I see her like I see everyone else who dismisses me and my plight. This is where that phrase "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem" becomes true.
Using the Medium chill (from the BPD family boards) method with someone like her is the only thing you can do:
1. NEVER share personal information or private information about yourself.
2. NEVER get involved in their problems/ drama
3. Disconnect
4. Detach
Friday, July 15, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
At 12 pm the male tenant came home. I looked out side window (North side of building) and the tenant was staring down the driveway at my car. I then heard him in the courtyard a few minutes later screaming at someone...maybe himself, who knows?
I come back to my desk and go to North window again to see my uBPD/ASPD brother's truck parked next to the garage. This struck fear in my chest. I didn't hear anyone come into the building....where IS he? What is he doing here for a second time today, he isn't working on the building and hasn't been for months. I get queesey feeling that I am unsafe again. But that's what sociopaths do, they LOVE creating an atmosphere of fear and guilt.
The tenant was talking to uBPD/ASPDbrother screaming at him in the courtyard. Brother is lurking & stalking around building 2nd time today. Is this like this every day of the week? He comes by twice a day, sometimes 3 times a day to "check up on me"? Most of the time he is silent and I don't hear him pull up or come in the building. Perhaps THIS is why "they know" when I leave & come back because he is ALWAYS HERE stalking me. My boyfriend had suggested this before, that it isn't the tenant that is telling uBPD Momster my comings & goings, that it actually is my brother. I just could NOT believe that someone is that bored...or that much of a control freak....or is that predatory towards their own sister. Perhaps the boyfriend is right about this. I feel a knot in my stomach.
I have noticed the stalkings become more noticeable & frequent when I leave for hours at a time any given day. As if it pisses them off that I have left the building for any reason!!! I am afraid to come downstairs & go out to start my day because I know uBPD/ASPD brother is down there just sitting there waiting. I have no idea what his problem is with me, what he wants to do besides scare me or start a fight with me.
The first year I moved here I noticed when I left the building for any errand that one of the tenants would text me or Momster would call me. A few times my uBPD mother actually interrogated me on the phone as to "where I was, what I was doing, and what I was up to"----AS IF I was doing anything wrong. AS IF a (at the time) 34 year old woman NEEDS to tell ANYONE what she is doing of a day. How DARE SHE?? After all the control and privacy issues I had with my uBPD xbf....I come back to THIS? Being QUIZZED as to "what I am up to"?? As if LIVING MY LIFE the way I want & coming & going as I please is some how offensive to her and I should have guilt over it?? How SICK AND TWISTED are they? Where do they GET OFF monitoring where I go & what I do? I felt imprisoned by my uBPDxbf and now I feel imprisoned here. As if Momster & brother act like some kind of wardens and I need to "check in" with them before I do anything?
HOW DARE they do something like this? These actions go against my basic human rights. Brother never stays long enough in the building when he stalks to have the cops called. He also has a right to be here because it is shared family property. I feel unsafe here yet again and fearful that brother is going to harm me one day. I suppose writing about it is the only way to make my self feel better, since I can't seem to get any help in this situation.
I come back to my desk and go to North window again to see my uBPD/ASPD brother's truck parked next to the garage. This struck fear in my chest. I didn't hear anyone come into the building....where IS he? What is he doing here for a second time today, he isn't working on the building and hasn't been for months. I get queesey feeling that I am unsafe again. But that's what sociopaths do, they LOVE creating an atmosphere of fear and guilt.
The tenant was talking to uBPD/ASPDbrother screaming at him in the courtyard. Brother is lurking & stalking around building 2nd time today. Is this like this every day of the week? He comes by twice a day, sometimes 3 times a day to "check up on me"? Most of the time he is silent and I don't hear him pull up or come in the building. Perhaps THIS is why "they know" when I leave & come back because he is ALWAYS HERE stalking me. My boyfriend had suggested this before, that it isn't the tenant that is telling uBPD Momster my comings & goings, that it actually is my brother. I just could NOT believe that someone is that bored...or that much of a control freak....or is that predatory towards their own sister. Perhaps the boyfriend is right about this. I feel a knot in my stomach.
I have noticed the stalkings become more noticeable & frequent when I leave for hours at a time any given day. As if it pisses them off that I have left the building for any reason!!! I am afraid to come downstairs & go out to start my day because I know uBPD/ASPD brother is down there just sitting there waiting. I have no idea what his problem is with me, what he wants to do besides scare me or start a fight with me.
The first year I moved here I noticed when I left the building for any errand that one of the tenants would text me or Momster would call me. A few times my uBPD mother actually interrogated me on the phone as to "where I was, what I was doing, and what I was up to"----AS IF I was doing anything wrong. AS IF a (at the time) 34 year old woman NEEDS to tell ANYONE what she is doing of a day. How DARE SHE?? After all the control and privacy issues I had with my uBPD xbf....I come back to THIS? Being QUIZZED as to "what I am up to"?? As if LIVING MY LIFE the way I want & coming & going as I please is some how offensive to her and I should have guilt over it?? How SICK AND TWISTED are they? Where do they GET OFF monitoring where I go & what I do? I felt imprisoned by my uBPDxbf and now I feel imprisoned here. As if Momster & brother act like some kind of wardens and I need to "check in" with them before I do anything?
HOW DARE they do something like this? These actions go against my basic human rights. Brother never stays long enough in the building when he stalks to have the cops called. He also has a right to be here because it is shared family property. I feel unsafe here yet again and fearful that brother is going to harm me one day. I suppose writing about it is the only way to make my self feel better, since I can't seem to get any help in this situation.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Tues. July 5, 2011
So every one I know is aware that my enmeshed sister has been in and out of the hospital for the last year. Really, mostly in. I saw her once last July for her birthday (and you all read the shocking things that happened there July 23) and shortly after she was in the hospital for a breakdown. I believe the "family" precipitated that breakdown in the first place. My sister was in & out I think twice after that...when she was let out it was only for a week. I spoke to her a few times on the phone and >poof< she was back in until almost Christmas last year.
I saw her right before Christmas to set up her trees and cut her hair. She also invited me over for a little Christmas party because my family was still "boycotting me" and refused to spend any time at Christmas with me. No offense, seeing the way they have treated me and my boyfriend from late 2008 to 2010 (at that time), I didn't want to see them either. Sister grew exceedingly strange, defiant, and combative at that time. Very shortly after she went back in. She came out of the hospital that winter and I was very busy with the drafting interviews for my career. Studying, avoiding the almost constant stalkings from uBPD/ASPDbrother and uBPDm, and driving to interviews in frigid weather and storms.
Some time that winter, around January, I had a phone conversation in my apartment with the boyfriend about my sister. I talked about how the Dr.s probably don't know Momster is a raging BPD herself and she manipulates everything about my sister's care because she is next of kin. I also said that once I get in a better position (back into graduate medical education) I should really advocate for my sister when she is in the hospital. I mentioned that Momster is the worst person to be handling this, as anyone who has read about a BPD parent knows they want their kids to fail to make them feel better. The parents have this sick self-fulfilling prophecy to uphold. If their kids fail, they will stay in the nest and be minions for them. Also, the kids will be constant reminders to the parents that they are better than their kids--also, there will always be someone around dependant on them, always someone around they can abuse. A few days later I get this screaming phone call from my mother. She accused me of calling the Dr.s at the hospital. She screamed at me that my sister told Momster that "she was going to be going home on Tuesday from the hospital, that Ahimsa & the Dr.'s talked it out and decided." She accused me of meddling with my sister's treatment. I got so angry. I yelled back at her, "You know one of my boundaries is that I will not call or visit my sister in the hospital...it gets me upset...and the few times I visited her 10 years ago, she was violent with me. You also never gave me the phone number. I don't even know where she is." You know, arguing with a crazy person is not too productive? Of course she didn't believe me...that whole story was concocted anyway. Either she or uBPD/ASPDbrother were downstairs in the hallway when I made that phone call. What Momster was doing was trying to draw me out about that phone conversation. She also knew other things about my interviews at that time that I had mentioned to the boyfriend. Yeah, and I am not being stalked at all....
Between being cut off from the family and uBPDm triangulating between the siblings, I could not keep track at this time of where my sister was. I think she came out in Jan and went back in a week later...only to come out again in Feb. When I asked my uBPDm directly on the phone (when interviews calmed down) where my sister was and how she was doing, Momster pulled a "waif". Momster beat around the bush saying she couldn't really "remember, she had been in and out so many times..." "Oh poor me, my daughter is in a mental hospital." Well, that crap works for her with her co-workers and the people she uses, but not with me. I let it go to avoid yet another fight.
Well, since I avoided telling Momster when exactly my interviews were, it infuriated her to no ends. Control out of her hands...Anyway, sister got out in Feb. and I actually got to speak to her on the phone. I was telling her I would call her to set up time to hang out, but that I was really busy with interviews at the time. I could tell on the phone sister was not "herself" as of yet and had been let out a little too early. Sister had made fun of my attempts to give her the Christmas gifts, saying I never visited her when she was in a treatment facility about 10 years ago....etc.etc...she just lit into me at every attempt to make her happy. I had gotten a t.v. from a friend for her apartment and she made fun of that...saying "I thought she was an idiot, a child that had to be babysat with a t.v....that she didn't need my gifts." I had a very bitter taste in my mouth from that last conversation. I told her I would call her in 2 weeks or so.
At that time (those 2 weeks in Feb) I became sick with a pretty bad flu-like virus. Sister decided if she couldn't get me on the phone (she called but left no messages from an unavailable phone number) she would "get back at me". On Feb 23, I was woken up to the sound of the county police pounding on my door. Of course the nosey tenant (who used to be my "best friend" from HS) went to go speak to them...police banging at Ahimsa's door? This is too good for her to pass up. Anyway, I get out there and they say they have a report from my sister that I was 73 years old and have been missing for weeks. Sister told the cops she was "concerned for my safety" and that I wasn't answering my phone. THIS is how you get some one on your side and to pick up the phone? You file a false missing person's report on them? I was RIGHT in the middle of my interviews and ranking period for my career. I was going on interviews in the major city near me and in cities in other states. I am a professional. I can't have people filing missing person's reports about me while I am trying to get back into my career. I complained bitterly to Momster about this over the phone after the police left. Momster acted like nothing had happened. Momster said it had happened to her as well, the police had shown up at her doorstep as well that morning. She acted like NOTHING WAS WRONG, that this happens every day. I was stunned, shocked, appalled, and---I don't even know why. This is status quo for this group of sociopaths.
Why do I bring all this crap up? I miss my sister. Even though she has pulled some awful stunts in the last year and said some awful things to me, I still love her. I haven't seen her since December. Sister has been in the hospital since Feb (after the faulty missing person's report) and I haven't heard a peep from her. She was transferred to a state hospital. In that facility, my uBPDsil (who is a nurse for the state) has called her friends at that facility and used them to "check up on my sister". My uBPD/ASPD brother told me this June 22 before he blew up on me the next day. He said his wife had called friends on staff at the facility sister is in and had found out sister is in an area where there is a short-stay treatment plan. Great, so my uBPDsil is breaking HIPAA laws and STALKING my sister while she is in a mental hospital. Using her professional ties and friends to "check up on her" through the system. I am blown away. No one will believe any of this. I can't!! WHO DOES THIS?!?!?
Getting back to why I brought this up....my Momster called me at 11:31 this a.m. The only reasons Momster calls me: to find out what I am doing, to scream at me to release her BPD rage, or to use me in some way. I must be about to get "used". After Sister has been in the hospital for 5 months and no one from the family has told me her phone numbers or exactly where she is....Momster decides to "let me have" Sister's phone numbers. Now, if you read the above back story, you know Momster will not let me have the phone numbers to the staff's desk or the Dr.'s number. She lets me have the public phone number to the floor of a psych ward. Yeah, real helpful. THEN she tells me what times to call. Funny, these are all times I usually get stalked by her or my brother. Then Momster being Momster, she tells me this week is Sister's big decade birthday and I should call. She says it in that subtle "You are so stupid you can't remember your sister's birthday" tone. Then she tries waifing and getting sympathy from me. I could care less about Momster...I have no compassion for someone who has made my life a living hell for two solid years. Someone who has destroyed all my family relationships, triangulated so much that my siblings hate me or stalk me, someone who has turned tenants, old friends, neighnors, everyone around me against me...I am supposed to feel sorry for her?? She gaslights Sister until she has a breakdown, she riles up her son until he comes over to my apartment ready to fight with me, she stalks me at my apartment, and the list goes on. I am sorry. I feel no pity for a sociopath.
I can't see a conversation on my sister's birthday going well for either of us at all. Sociopaths don't "give out information" on a whim, they always do things for a purpose...I just don't know what that purpose is yet. I feel like I am walking into a trap by calling her.
I saw her right before Christmas to set up her trees and cut her hair. She also invited me over for a little Christmas party because my family was still "boycotting me" and refused to spend any time at Christmas with me. No offense, seeing the way they have treated me and my boyfriend from late 2008 to 2010 (at that time), I didn't want to see them either. Sister grew exceedingly strange, defiant, and combative at that time. Very shortly after she went back in. She came out of the hospital that winter and I was very busy with the drafting interviews for my career. Studying, avoiding the almost constant stalkings from uBPD/ASPDbrother and uBPDm, and driving to interviews in frigid weather and storms.
Some time that winter, around January, I had a phone conversation in my apartment with the boyfriend about my sister. I talked about how the Dr.s probably don't know Momster is a raging BPD herself and she manipulates everything about my sister's care because she is next of kin. I also said that once I get in a better position (back into graduate medical education) I should really advocate for my sister when she is in the hospital. I mentioned that Momster is the worst person to be handling this, as anyone who has read about a BPD parent knows they want their kids to fail to make them feel better. The parents have this sick self-fulfilling prophecy to uphold. If their kids fail, they will stay in the nest and be minions for them. Also, the kids will be constant reminders to the parents that they are better than their kids--also, there will always be someone around dependant on them, always someone around they can abuse. A few days later I get this screaming phone call from my mother. She accused me of calling the Dr.s at the hospital. She screamed at me that my sister told Momster that "she was going to be going home on Tuesday from the hospital, that Ahimsa & the Dr.'s talked it out and decided." She accused me of meddling with my sister's treatment. I got so angry. I yelled back at her, "You know one of my boundaries is that I will not call or visit my sister in the hospital...it gets me upset...and the few times I visited her 10 years ago, she was violent with me. You also never gave me the phone number. I don't even know where she is." You know, arguing with a crazy person is not too productive? Of course she didn't believe me...that whole story was concocted anyway. Either she or uBPD/ASPDbrother were downstairs in the hallway when I made that phone call. What Momster was doing was trying to draw me out about that phone conversation. She also knew other things about my interviews at that time that I had mentioned to the boyfriend. Yeah, and I am not being stalked at all....
Between being cut off from the family and uBPDm triangulating between the siblings, I could not keep track at this time of where my sister was. I think she came out in Jan and went back in a week later...only to come out again in Feb. When I asked my uBPDm directly on the phone (when interviews calmed down) where my sister was and how she was doing, Momster pulled a "waif". Momster beat around the bush saying she couldn't really "remember, she had been in and out so many times..." "Oh poor me, my daughter is in a mental hospital." Well, that crap works for her with her co-workers and the people she uses, but not with me. I let it go to avoid yet another fight.
Well, since I avoided telling Momster when exactly my interviews were, it infuriated her to no ends. Control out of her hands...Anyway, sister got out in Feb. and I actually got to speak to her on the phone. I was telling her I would call her to set up time to hang out, but that I was really busy with interviews at the time. I could tell on the phone sister was not "herself" as of yet and had been let out a little too early. Sister had made fun of my attempts to give her the Christmas gifts, saying I never visited her when she was in a treatment facility about 10 years ago....etc.etc...she just lit into me at every attempt to make her happy. I had gotten a t.v. from a friend for her apartment and she made fun of that...saying "I thought she was an idiot, a child that had to be babysat with a t.v....that she didn't need my gifts." I had a very bitter taste in my mouth from that last conversation. I told her I would call her in 2 weeks or so.
At that time (those 2 weeks in Feb) I became sick with a pretty bad flu-like virus. Sister decided if she couldn't get me on the phone (she called but left no messages from an unavailable phone number) she would "get back at me". On Feb 23, I was woken up to the sound of the county police pounding on my door. Of course the nosey tenant (who used to be my "best friend" from HS) went to go speak to them...police banging at Ahimsa's door? This is too good for her to pass up. Anyway, I get out there and they say they have a report from my sister that I was 73 years old and have been missing for weeks. Sister told the cops she was "concerned for my safety" and that I wasn't answering my phone. THIS is how you get some one on your side and to pick up the phone? You file a false missing person's report on them? I was RIGHT in the middle of my interviews and ranking period for my career. I was going on interviews in the major city near me and in cities in other states. I am a professional. I can't have people filing missing person's reports about me while I am trying to get back into my career. I complained bitterly to Momster about this over the phone after the police left. Momster acted like nothing had happened. Momster said it had happened to her as well, the police had shown up at her doorstep as well that morning. She acted like NOTHING WAS WRONG, that this happens every day. I was stunned, shocked, appalled, and---I don't even know why. This is status quo for this group of sociopaths.
Why do I bring all this crap up? I miss my sister. Even though she has pulled some awful stunts in the last year and said some awful things to me, I still love her. I haven't seen her since December. Sister has been in the hospital since Feb (after the faulty missing person's report) and I haven't heard a peep from her. She was transferred to a state hospital. In that facility, my uBPDsil (who is a nurse for the state) has called her friends at that facility and used them to "check up on my sister". My uBPD/ASPD brother told me this June 22 before he blew up on me the next day. He said his wife had called friends on staff at the facility sister is in and had found out sister is in an area where there is a short-stay treatment plan. Great, so my uBPDsil is breaking HIPAA laws and STALKING my sister while she is in a mental hospital. Using her professional ties and friends to "check up on her" through the system. I am blown away. No one will believe any of this. I can't!! WHO DOES THIS?!?!?
Getting back to why I brought this up....my Momster called me at 11:31 this a.m. The only reasons Momster calls me: to find out what I am doing, to scream at me to release her BPD rage, or to use me in some way. I must be about to get "used". After Sister has been in the hospital for 5 months and no one from the family has told me her phone numbers or exactly where she is....Momster decides to "let me have" Sister's phone numbers. Now, if you read the above back story, you know Momster will not let me have the phone numbers to the staff's desk or the Dr.'s number. She lets me have the public phone number to the floor of a psych ward. Yeah, real helpful. THEN she tells me what times to call. Funny, these are all times I usually get stalked by her or my brother. Then Momster being Momster, she tells me this week is Sister's big decade birthday and I should call. She says it in that subtle "You are so stupid you can't remember your sister's birthday" tone. Then she tries waifing and getting sympathy from me. I could care less about Momster...I have no compassion for someone who has made my life a living hell for two solid years. Someone who has destroyed all my family relationships, triangulated so much that my siblings hate me or stalk me, someone who has turned tenants, old friends, neighnors, everyone around me against me...I am supposed to feel sorry for her?? She gaslights Sister until she has a breakdown, she riles up her son until he comes over to my apartment ready to fight with me, she stalks me at my apartment, and the list goes on. I am sorry. I feel no pity for a sociopath.
I can't see a conversation on my sister's birthday going well for either of us at all. Sociopaths don't "give out information" on a whim, they always do things for a purpose...I just don't know what that purpose is yet. I feel like I am walking into a trap by calling her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)