Nov 13, 2010

Momster is the last person on Earth who should have ever had kids. She is so twisted and as she gets older she gets worse. That's the thought that has been in my head all week: Sometimes I wish my father would have divorced her and remarried. First off, I would have begged for days to go with him. Second off, I think it would have extended his life for a few more years. Third off, I have to vent that this woman is the
most cruel sadistic witch I have ever EVER come across. She is working my last good nerve at this moment.

And....why is it BPDs have radar to know EXACTLY when is NOT a good moment for you to deal with their drama? It's like she has a panic button somewhere that goes off when I am making serious steps and strides to further my career and finally leave the area. Then she cuts her waif act and jumps on the broom ala BPD Witch. For the last two months I have been focused and concentrating hard on getting interviews out of state and spending all my time ON ME. Wow, that does NOT go over well with a BPD. Not only does it seem Momster is agitated and dysregulated because of Seasonal Affective Disorder (it's a guess?) but she is coming at me harder than ever because this is the last extinction burst before the holidays. God KNOWS I will not be at their holidays which turns into a traumatic event for anyone normal. Almost as if they invite you to be the torture victim. Like they say to each other, "We're not having turkey, we're having Ahimsa..or ensis.
Here, sit on the platter...."

Refresher: Last year at this time Momster pulled some lame excuses out of a hat (legal/zoning) as to WHY she "could not have" my new bf  (the non) live in my apartment. None of which are based in reality as you could have guessed. She yelled and raged at me over the phone and built guilt & shame into the conversation as well. She's amazing like that. I had made the mistake to trust my uBPD/ASPD brother and tell
him my bf was moving some computer equipment into my apartment. I didn't know at that time that my family was full-blown PDed. My fault I suppose. Found out later that uBPD/ASPD brother is also the golden child and the biggest stalker and minion anyone has ever seen. Here we are again. Three days after daylight savings time and she makes an excuse to come and inspect the building. She grimaces and pulls on "evil mask" pointing at bfs car.  "He's not LIVING here, IS HE?" She says with disgust. I mean she just stopped short of spitting on his car. I did catch her circling the car and snooping around it. Sometimes I fear she will slash a tire. This is how vindictive she can be. She was shaking with anticipation of stomping on my happiness. Since she is sooooo crazy her question didn't catch me off guard. I honestly replied, "Why, NO." with some disgust of my own. She almost acted as if I was on the same team with her, that I am against him with her. She is truly delusional. I want to marry this man and she acts like he's the enemy.

You can imagine this little exchange reminded me that I have no family. I never did. They are empty hollow emotional shells that I wouldn't even deem human. I have people in front of me but they were never what I thought they were. I projected loving family members onto them because that's what I needed after all the death in my family. I created a fantasy for them to mirror and they ate it up to finally have control over me. I'm sorry. I feel no pity or compassion for BPDs at this point. Maybe I went backwards in my healing because of this recent event.

Of course, the next day the uBPD/ASPD brother (that hasn't been around my house in months) shows up on his day off to "work" at the building. Minion. I should have put money on it. They make me vomit they are so predictable. I am so glad the bf has been here to witness the stalkings this spring and again this season as well. I don't think anyone would believe what's been happening if they weren't painted black by these people.

They are one thing to the public: so charming and accommodating, so sweet and loving. Behind closed doors
they are sick, controlling, twisted, and calculating. I am heart broken again. Of course this week's events started an argument between the bf and I. It's what the f.o.o. counts on. Their ultimate goal to create strife and separate you from loved ones. He's gone back to his other home (in another state) and I feel punished for having a BPD family. From the f.o.o.'s view, I feel punished that I have a love life and want a normal life for once. I can tell this is going to be a bad weekend for me. I just feel like it's all spun out of control again. What the heck just happened?

Nov 2010

I was lied to a handful of times Sun night on the phone by Momster. Not a big shock, but it lead to me showing up where she was not supposed to be on Monday. I had to sit face to face with her at a table. Not happy about this--especially the way she has been acting out...I knew there was going to be a rage or two coming.

I know about mirroring, believe me. So she does the typical BPD thing, she diffuses the situation and tense feelings by mirroring a conversation I would have brought up. Think politics or the economy. The diversion tactic...works most of the time for her but I know what she's doing.

Anyway to get on me about my bf and the apartment she quickly switches gear. She went from mirroring me (or maybe my deceased father??) to wearing the mask of my uASPD/BPD brother in an instant. It was the most frightening thing I have ever seen because it reminded me she has no personality of her own. She drew up straight in her chair, used his tone of voice, his slang, and even his facial expressions!!! Momster used "his persona" to confront me about the apartment. She even managed to even laugh like him, she looked like a crazed marionette to me! I used her own diversion tactics back on her and used the logic that the law is on my side. Not that it matters....what I am sooo upset about is how she turned into another person RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES.

Have you witnessed this? Does this mean the pwBPD is becoming dysregulated? Do I have more behaviors to look forward to? If you have witnessed this, do you ever wonder if pwBPD actually has a soul of their own or do they just borrow a mask of everyone else around them their whole lives??

December 06, 2010, 11PM

WTH was THAT all about? Momster has been trying to get me to "accidentally meet up" with my uBPD/ASPDbrother for a few months now. I went NC with him since Feb/Mar of this year and if I bump into him anywhere I just stay polite or avoid. Sociopaths love to gloss things over. Pretend like stuff never happened. As if he never threatened me. As if he hasn't been stalking me and the bf at my home. Shrug. I love their version of reality. For the second time in a week, Momster made it possible for the two former "buddies" to be at the same place at the same time again. BPDs love this don't they? Chaos, drama, and keeping you off balance to create the f.o.g. Well she finally got her wish. I suppose she thinks this means I am somehow going to celebrate the holidays with the whole nutty bunch of them. WRONG. I DON'T FORGET what happened and continues to happen.
So uBPD/ASPDb sits down for a whole afternoon's insanity. Believe me, the coffee wasn't strong enough for me. He sat there spilling his guts about how Momster is driving him bonkers and how she is this.....she is that...trying to draw me out. I think perhaps he IS a little frustrated with her. He has to totally take care of her now. HE has to "parentify" her now. He's the golden child and I am painted black. As one of my FIRST boundaries with all of them was not to rescue them or work with people who continue to abuse me. He knows this, I reminded him. He tries to say he's not the bad guy in all this and he does not hate me. Maybe he doesn't, but he sure can't respect me enough to stop lying or disrespecting me! I sat there listening
to the swirling stories of b.s. that this whole year has been for him. I also heard some of the most degrading language pointed at women that I've heard--well, since the last time I spoke to him.  I know I let a little too much out. I can hear them on the phone right now triangulating as we speak. I feel sorry for him, mid 40s and he's stuck with Momster and an uBPDwife. Good luck with that.

After the whole weird discussion in which he admitted stalking me FOR Momster and possibly cheating with a co-worker.....he sat there & acted like nothing was wrong. Nothing had happened between us! He even offered to help me out for a few days. I sat there with my jaw on the floor. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!?!?! I totally snapped when I got back home. I know that I let out TMI to him. I know that's
what he wanted to do. I know that he's a total sucker and has no filter. He will just take whatever I told him and use it against me....dancing the Karpman's triangle with Momster.

I got home & felt violated. Walked into Momster's trap totally. I must admit, I miss the fake friendship my brother had with me. At least I didn't tell him too much. He knows nothing about my personal life. I just vented about Momster a little. Whoopee like she doesn't know I'm pissed at her. After a load of panic attacks later...I decided I'm not letting these freaks ruin my holiday. I was going to opt out of some plans
with the bf & his daughter this week.

Radical acceptance, Ahimsa, remember that. He will never change. He has to be whoever he needs to be for whoever he is with at that time. He's the frustrated brother to my face and Momster's Golden child & spy behind my back. There's no changing this. He's never wrong. Get this through your head already!!! Not his fault for dancing the triangle with the family, afterall, I just recently stopped dancing myself. 

Momster...well there's no changing that mess either. I can either chose to be upset & cry every time they corner me, or I can just pretend they don't bother me. I think that--just ignoring their weak attempts at getting me/you back into the fold--drives them the craziest. I wonder what they will think of next?
Don't break NC even by accident. Don't let them break your boundaries. Ignore all attempts they make this holiday season. Stay strong everyone!!!!

End of Sept. 2010 (post from bpd forum)

O.k....just had to vent to get this off my chest. Venting in session...sorry it's a long one.
It's my B-day and here we are with a classic BPD extinction burst. Those of you who have had to sit through my venting and stories of the uBPD/ASPD f.o.o. will be familiar with the details. I have been painted black by my family since Dec 08 because I left my uBPDxbf who was abusive on all levels. Momster has taken his side and my boundaries have led to family stalking, physical threats, and extinction bursts in the last 2 years.
Well, this year after being told I can't move the new (a NON thank goodness) bf into my apartment I have gone NC or VLC (very low contact) with f.o.o. It was one of the many last straws. The building I am in I have a partial family right to. I also have stepped out of the family business as one of my boundaries is not to work with anyone who abuses me. I never get paid for any of that work either. Everything was going peachy until I attended my ensis's party in July. The details of which were so horrible it sent my ensis into a full blown emotional melt-down. She is still in the hospital. I wrote about the events in the last post (July 2010). Took me a while to get over it as well.

This is the first year I officially have "no family" and have been thrown out of the clan. I suppose since my non (?) older brother and father have died, I have really had no family. I just didn't realize it, guess I was in denial that these emotional vampires left over could ever feel anything that resembles true family love. I have been ignored on all holidays this year Easter, (thank God) Momster's day, all the b-day parties, etc. Not invited, not even a phone call. Feels empty but at the same time, it saves me from fighting with them either at the event or because I refuse to come.

After all that (and much much more) Momster has taken a whole WEEK off from work...like nothing happened at all....for my B-day. Of course, I am supposed to have a crystal ball to know this emotional vampire would want to spend anytime with me after she has spent two years (and most my life) triangulating with my siblings, using siblings & my toxic friends to stalk me and make me look bad, and starting in-fighting with other family members and customers. Classic BPD in my family has that NPD twist of "hey I made plans that involve you" while never checking with you in the first place. You are supposed to be able to drop anything at any moment for these people...didn't you know that??  She also has started fights with the new bf, planted seeds of doubt for us, raised me in a shame-based enviornment, and taught me love is conditional. How am I supposed to react to this woman?? She also put me in physical danger by ignoring an illness that ended me up almost admitted to a hospital (June 2009). She has no mothering abilities at all. She has no adult emotions at all.

As another thread brought up this week, I have both parentified her in the past and she has been emotionally incestuous. Right now she is in a full-blown extinction burst and ruining my b-day as we speak. For the past few days she has been really up in my business so I kind of expected something was "up". She tried sucking me into the family business again and some family drama. I ignored as best I could. Last week, I picked up the phone and had her kick me in the teeth a few times. Learning to call back when I am prepared is invaluable. Never never answer their calls on the first ring. And yes, she ALWAYS asks me if I am alone. She acts as if the new bf is imaginary and never says his name. She is insanely jealous of him....
Back to the extinction burst. She calls me up this week and asks several times to see me on my b-day. I tell her I am going out of state perhaps and I haven't made solid plans as of yet. She pouts and is very annoyed. Every time she gets on the phone she uses "family business" as an excuse and then reveals what she really wants. Creepy interrogation tactics as well. I cried because yet again this year I am reminded I will never have a normal mother and I never did. She was an illusion all along.

Yesterday she created some drama where I had to stop what I was doing, run back to this building and "save her"...thus cutting my plans short for the day. Control. Plain & simple. Last night was the final straw. Again calling about "some other business" (which I really don't give a damn about) she brought up going out and spending the day together with me for my b-day. I again give her vague answers.

About the third phone call she did this, I finally snapped on her and told her I just want to be left alone on my b-day. Of course, she "waifed" on me and shrunk off the phone like the wicked witch hit by some water. Today, she said she'd show up at 10 am at my building to do some imaginary business in another part of the building.  At 10 am the bf left to avoid her so I am alone on my B-day. Just like she wants it. She shows up and bangs around downstairs to "let me know she is here". There are no people here, I seriously think this whole "meeting" she scheduled is in her imagination. Since 10 am she has left the building twice and come back. It is almost as she is circling the building. She will not bang on my door but I know if the bf comes back she will demand to come up into my apt. She is stalking plain and simple. Acting like a jealous, jilted lover, and a pouty childish one at that. Almost as if she is saying, "If I can't have you on your attention on your B-day, then I will make damn sure no one will."  

One last call....after all the stalking this a.m..... She has "heard" that I want nothing to do with her several times now. She "heard" I have other plans. It is just not sinking in. She just invited me out again like it's Groundhog Day.  Sounds like she is confident I am worn down enough and will submit to her plans.
Not only has she ruined other relationships in my f.o.o. and any chances of a normal family life or holidays, now she is sh*tting on my B-day. I should have just left the state. Thanks for listening to my rant. I am so sick & tired of dealing with this childish brat. At least I have grown beyond the guilt she has been laying on me this whole week.
 
What has your BPD done to you on your B-day?

July 22, 2010 One hell of a B-day party for my sister...

July 22, 2010, 09:14:27 PM
Hi all again.
Yes, I broke NC (no contact/communication) with the f.o.o. to support my ensis. I am never doing that again. I went to a "family function" only because I try supporting her and this event was focused on her. She has her issues too but has not been as how shall we say....."wicked" as the rest of the BPDs in the f.o.o.? I show up and everyone else is late. The f.o.o. dictated to her WHEN she could schedule HER event...how narcissistic of them. They show up late because the event is not about them. They do it to everyone. Then they told her WHAT they were bringing to eat, taking her choices away. I hate to say I told you so, but I have.
The event:
1. The uBPDsil (sister in law) proceeded to wave a knife around while talking (everyone in f.o.o. knows I was threatened by uBPD x-boyfriend/fiance with kitchen knives repeatedly). When I objected to this action, she made "psycho" knife thrusts in the air and laughed. She said she gets people to listen this way. Unbelievable.
She is in mental health care and should know better. She then ____ed about everything she could and ranked on ensis. Even her gifts were all about uBPDsil.
2. Momster shows up hours late and gets all waify. "But I cooked, but I this, but I that...blah blah blah waify me"....  She infers the reason I have been distant with the family is that I'm nuts. In front of everyone mind you. Yup that's me. Has nothing to do with f.o.o. being busted for stalking me (March 2010). Nothing to do with abuse.  F.o.o. then discusses and laughs about child abuse from her while growing up. Really awful stories. She sits there with a smile on her face while uBPDbrother (uBPDb) recounts tales of my deceased brother being abused as a child by her. Yes, rank on a dead man now. That's classy!!!
3. uBPDb uses the event and a lull in the conversation to ask me if I am breaking up with my bf. They hate him, bf's normal. uBPDb starts full on interrogation of my life in front of the whole clan.  He has been stalking me for months and alludes to that fact several times.    A few minutes later he asks when I am marrying said bf. I point out it's crazy that he is asking this right after "when are you breaking up with him?". He then grills me about my job, bfs job, if I am moving, where to, when, and other weird
controlling questions. He acts like a jilted lover, not a brother. He does this rapid-fire so much so I am shocked by the questions. Lets all remember this "man" has threatened quite a few people in my life, my bf, AND me several times in the last year. I have told him I will call police if it happens again.  To avoid the conversation, I excuse myself to the bathroom. I calm down and come back out. He accuses me of being bulimic. I have lost weight but from working out. uBPDb then makes comments about me not working with f.o.o. in business, making it seem like I am nuts and lazy. These are my boundaries he is treading on. Not to work for them, not to enable them, and I have spelled this out months ago to them all. Later on, he grabs my shoulders in kitchen. I say this is inappropriate touching. I did not want it and he proceeds to tell me I am too thin. Again, he references me being bulimic. BPDs cannot understand change well and put a negative spin on anything you do when you are "painted black". He then uses the family's "line" which is, "why are you being such a stranger?" Making ME look like I am avoiding them and fighting with them. The last 3 parties in the f.o.o. have been at his house and I was not invited for calling him on his abuse.

Post-event: Momster & uBPDb are getting waify again. They think since I went to this party that I am back on the farm as it were. My boundaries are strong. Momster asks me to do work for her twice since the
event over the phone. This woman didn't call me for 2 months straight btw. I will not help her. Simple as that. uBPDb has continually called my phone treating me like I am on his "staff" again. I ignore him.
There has been nothing but drama since this event. I have been abused on the phone ever since.
I had been living MY life for months in quiet bliss aside from the occasional stalking now.

My f.o.o. has painted me black to everyone in town and old friends. The old friends believe it? There is a smear campaign of epic proportions going on. Now that I went to this event, it has taken me DAYS to get my tranquility back. The knife incident alone was enough to trigger me for a week. I will not attend another family function again. Not even to support my ensis who got abused all night by them too. Her and her boyfriend who's too enmeshed to notice. I will request a calm meeting when other f.o.o. is not around.

Warning to others with BPDs in their lives: Don't break NC, don't visit them alone, and don't think you are doing anyone a favor by "supporting them". Save yourself first. Medium chill must be followed with characters like this and it was a blessing to learn about. I am totally NC with uBPDb and uBPDsil again. I will only see Momster on occasion, on my terms, and leave when it is too much. I refuse to see ensis and Momster together without my bf. I will not be ganged up on again. I will not have them emotionally terrorize me and subtly threaten me. They are simply the most evil people I have ever met. They make me miserable, doubt myself, and question everything. Best word for all of them is predatory.

Some definitions in the bpdfamily community.

I am going to post some of the posts from a forum I was on last year to fill in some of the background story for you all. Here are some defs so you can follow:
f.o.o.= family of origin
NPD=Narcissist Personality Disorder
uBPD=undiagnosed/suspected Borderline Personality disorder
uASPD=undiagnosed/ suspected Antisocial Personality disorder
w=wife
b=brother
sil=sister in law
bf=boyfriend
xbf=x boyfriend
ensis=enmeshed sister. Poor thing welcomes the sociopaths into her life, trusts them, and does not see them for who they really are.
F.O.G.= Fear Obligation Guilt, what sociopaths (specifically BPDs use to control you and your reactions to things, it is how they manipulate you. They do it naturally, without thinking or plotting which is really sick.)
NC=No contact or communication
VLC=very low contact
Extinction burst=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extinction_(psychology)
BPD behaviors like Witch, Waif, Hermit, Queen, etc.= http://jimroller.com/Surviving/21.htm

Any other questions, just ask. Thanks.

June 23, 2011

My brother banged on the door & DEMANDED to talk to me around 3 pm today. I told him I was busy, he sounded angry like his voice was hissing. "I don't care, just get down here, it is important." Once I got downstairs, he wanted me to go sit in the truck & talk to me. I refused --as I reminded him, because he had threatened me in the hallway to Mom the beginning of last month. To which he said I "had anger issues and hated Mom & him so much". The first thing he says is I "am going to get thrown out of the family building Dec. 1st. and will be homeless." Threat #1.


Wants to talk to me in the truck so "Male tenant won't hear us talking through his door and female tenant too."#2 Him admitting tenants listen through the walls to what we are doing or that he does the same.


So at this point I am scared & shaking in front of him. He is leaning in my doorway in a threatening pose. He outweighs me by 200 lbs. He explains that Mom is strapped for money, goes on about outrageous figures-obvious lies,  and has no way to pay it...."because she is paying for EVERY ONE'S (guilt to me) electric bill." He says "he just found out from Mom and Mom's crazy and doesn't tell her anything." This is him projecting. Then he goes on to say that he ignores me and he does not know why I "hate him & Mom so much" Projecting again. I remind him that he is always here at the building up in my business (aka stalking), to which he replies he is "just taking care of the building.". I guess he does not know I heard his voice on Mom's answering machine (she played it IN FRONT OF ME as a threat) in March of '10 reporting to Mom every movement I made in the house of a morning. Proof of stalking. I also bring up that that they have treated me like shit for two solid years and he expects me to kiss their asses? Then I remind him yet again that he threatened me in the hallway downstairs last month. He questions my version of reality, says I heard it wrong, says he told MOM she should go upstairs and "have a little talk with me". I tell him he's lying to my face, I heard it plain as day and it was a threat.


He goes on to remind me again of the threat of being thrown out if I do not help him move a large object. I tell him your male friend can't help you? That wife of yours can't help you (who is also BPD?)? He says his friend's ass is too fat to fit in the car and wife is useless and destroy the large object if they attempt help him. This is how he treats his wife & best friend. Then you wonder why I don't want to be around for his abuse. He says, "I have no one else to help me, if I had a hologram of myself, I would do it, that is why I am asking you." I agreed to help, as long as I won't be screamed at if anything goes wrong or the object is damaged in some way. I also want help moving something for myself too. I ask for a week lead in time, not right now. Then he says AGAIN it is for the building and to save my home. I tell him he & Mom haven't given a shit about me in the last 2 years, my finances, or my health, WHY should I help them out now? That no one cared when I was sick, that no one cared when I had my sister file a missing person's report on me in Feb this year. Then I said I don't care what happens to the building, that I have options and I won't be homeless if the building is sold and I am "thrown out" as he says.


He became absolutely infuriated at this. The thought that I had other options and did not care what happened to the building. That his threats and manipulation hadn't worked to get me to help him move the object. At this I am shaking in fear because he is wild-eyed and has stepped further into my doorway, leaning over me in a physically threatening way. He tells me I am crazy, that I have anger issues, that I slammed the door in his face yesterday (bold faced lies, he cornered me in the garden and wouldn't leave me alone, I excused myself and went inside,shut the door) , that I hate him & Mom, that I smoke crack in the house, that I shoot Oxy-Codone in my apartment, that I am psychotic. Hmmmm projection?


He stepped up his anger, he was waving his arms saying he does not care about the building or the assholes in it, that he is fed up and doesn't care if I get tossed out on my ass, that he does everything for this building etc etc. That Mom is crazy, that I am crazy, that I am a drug addict--again. I am getting more afraid. I am yelling because he is yelling at me. I tell him that he is threatening me again and I am "done". This time I slam the door shut & lock it. I am afraid for my safety, he looks so psychotic. He yells through the door, "Yeah, that isn't anger issues, you just slammed the door in my face." I yell back, "Yeah because you just threatened me again and called me a drug addict". He continues to yell as he is walking through garage at me. He says "Fine, go shoot Oxy Codone or whatever it is you do in that apartment!!!' LOUD, I am sure the tenants can hear the fight. I yell back "Yeah LIKE I HAVE THE MONEY FOR THAT ASSHOLE!" He yells something back. I yell back "I don't want anything to do with you & your crazy mother!!"


He slams doors, leaves in a huff. I am shaking and afraid for my safety again. Why hasn't the abuse hot line (VIBS) gotten back to my email yet? Why does this threatening behavior happen every month? Why do I have to fear for my life & safety all the time living here? I left an abusive man to "come home" to THIS treatment? Why can't I have a normal family? Why do they always accuse me of being crazy, angry, and drug addicted? They are the ones that are crazy & angry!! Who knows, maybe they are drug addicted. Maybe that's why none of them can pay their bills!!! They fight with me every chance they get, even when they are asking ME FOR HELP!! Imagine, how broke & destitute I have been in the last 2 years and THEY ARE ASKING ME FOR FINANCIAL HELP.


God help me. I can't stand living here anymore.

Start at the beginning of my journey, years ago.

I was superbly miserable. Three years ago I was living in an apartment I did not chose with a man who treated me like his maid-servant, verbally, and mentally abused me daily. I was still suffering with multiple health problems, obese (if not morbidly obese), and had no health insurance. He refused to put me on his insurance as a domestic partner even though we had lived together for 8 years. Upon moving to that place, he had thrown out most of my furniture telling me that when we moved, "There wouldn't be room for two sets of everything and besides, we are going to be together forever." The old apartment was empty and was already leased to some one moving in a month later. I had lost my job in spring that year and spent all of my time and money catering to his needs and the move. After a scorching summer in which I had spent most of it packing, moving our things in my truck two counties away, and renovating the old apartment by myself, he picked a fight with me at the new apartment. He yelled at me in "our" unpacked apartment, "YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!!! You should just get out!!!" How convenient for him. I had done all the work essentially myself. His life was complete and ordered. My belongings were in storage, thrown away by him, or at "his" apartment. My life was up in the air and torn to pieces. The place I called home for 6 years was ripped apart and with it my sense of peace. I was essentially homeless and trapped by him.

Mind you, this is less than a year after I was offered a job paying $50K. He had ruined my attempts back then of getting back into my career. In 2005, his father was dying of pancreatic cancer (which is his excuse as to why he was becoming increasingly moody, violent, and distant) and he was really unstable. A week after I was offered the job and I was to go in for paperwork, he started a huge fight. I don't even remember what it was about, probably money. There was never enough for him even though I was a Dr. in graduate medical training at the time. He had told me in one fight that, "He would have liked to have had a house by now." Really? With his clerk income? That meant I was supposed to have provided it by now for him. I guess I hadn't "paid off" quick enough for him. He RAGED at me wild-eyed one night that it was too hot in the house and how DARE I turn the a.c. off?? He was practically foaming at the mouth, spitting threats at me, he looked like a mad man. I cowered away from him. He followed me into every room I went into to get away from the conflict. I could feel my pulse rising, my heart pounding, and I was shaking all over. He ran to the kitchen drawer and pulled out the biggest kitchen knife he could. He threw me to the wall and pressed it against my chest. He was screaming at me incoherently and holding me with the other hand to the kitchen wall. He turned the knife on his own chest and grabbed my hand screaming, "DO it to me! Just kill me already! I want you to END ME!" He went on & on...I escaped to the bedroom and locked the door. He slammed his whole body against the door. Then he slid the knife through the door jam making jabbing motions, still screaming like a madman....banging at the door.....

Needless to say, I had some stress going on at home. I felt imprisoned, ashamed, fearful for my life, and guilted into staying at home to "take care of his every need". He was so disturbed. I should have called the police & ambulance on him. I should have made him leave my house. However, my mother urged me to stay with him and work things out. She felt sorry for the man and guilted me by saying, "You know, his father is dying, Ahimsa, you can't possibly break up with him now. His family lives in another country, he has no where else to go now." There was no mention of how he tried to take my life & his at the same time. How insane he had become. How I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was cheating on me with someone at work. Nothing. She said NOTHING about these things. Some how it was ALWAYS my fault. I hadn't been "understanding enough" to him. I wasn't "strong enough" to see him through tough times. I was the problem, NOT HIM. Yes, that is my mother, folks. Classic BPD just like the x-boyfriend.

Back to "the move"....I stood there in the doorway of that apartment that summer, all my possessions in boxes on the floor, and this little evil man shouting at me that I WAS NOT WELCOME HERE. Needless to say, I broke up with him. I was out of my mind with grief. How could a person I had stuck through such awful moments (and of course he swore up & down he would never raise a hand to me again--ladies, don't believe a man who says these things-EVER), his father's death, my brother's death, and everything else that had happened in 6 years--how could he reject me like this? How could he treat me so awfully? How could he let me SWING the way he had?

Unfortunately, he called a few weeks later and promised me the world. "Let's get married already." No ring, are you kidding me? That is what sociopaths do. They schmooze, they flirt, they tell you what you think you want to hear, they mirror the good things about you, and they charm your pants right off. They swear they will never harm you again, never say those awful things again, that they are mistaken, they were sick/under stress/hungry/bitchy/whatever the excuse is today-- in order to get you back as THE VICTIM. They love a rescuer and they need some one to feed their narcissistic ego at all times. Someone who will stand there and believe their lies and be cheated on, be abused. The LOVE a human doormat. They LOVE getting someone to fall in love with them so they can act out on them while they are working on meeting and lining up their next conquest and victim.

And let's face it, I was a sucker for taking him back. I had been isolated, abused, and scared right out of my career. I had nothing left and he had gotten rid of whatever objects I did have left to call my own. Being coached by a dangerous psychopathic mother as well did not help. She wanted us to make up. I suppose so that she wouldn't have to hear from me unless she needed my money or help on her properties. These are no-win situations. I guess I forgive myself for not heeding my inner voice and getting out permanently at that point. For not questioning the "advice" my mother gave me when he had brandished a knife at my chest, threatening to kill me and this time around when we "made up" after he had made me feel unwelcome and unloved. I forgive myself and I forgive these sick twisted people I was dealing with.

Yeah, so that is the "start" of it all. The two years I spent in that new apartment was hell on Earth. I felt trapped, trampled on, and had all my efforts to advance myself spit on. When I failed due to the stress & chaos at home--I was verbally, physically, and sexually abused for my "failure to advance". I was kept in the dark and his friends and co-workers didn't even know he had a girlfriend anymore. He hid me away like a dirty secret. He never wanted to go out of the house with me like he was ashamed of me in some way. He started drinking more regularly and insulted every step at self-improvement I made. He bold face ied to me and laughed in my face about my "faults" as he saw them. He picked apart the way I dressed, the way I looked, and even the way I cooked. I felt "I must be doing something wrong for him to treat me so bad. I must improve MYSELF to win back his love & approval." I tried harder & harder to please him and he rejected me at every turn. I worked out 3-4 times a week, I tried strict diets, I kept the house clean for him so he wouldn't scream at me on his days off. I cooked for him every meal. He went out without me all the time after work. If I questioned where he was or who he was with he would deny it completely or start a massive fight that ended in violence. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. This psychopath was what I was going to lower myself to marry and settle for.

Hello all! First, the whole reason I am writing this blog is to get a huge weight off my chest that has been there for years, probably all my life. While I have only recently caught on and have been able to identify the negative forces in my life, I have had a vague sense that something was wrong all along. I always felt there was a part missing, a truth being withheld from me, and that I was somehow raging in the dark against an unseen enemy.

There is a very long complicated back story to all of this which I will address in posts to come. However, I decided to start this blog a day after I have alerted authorities and agencies of the abuses I have been undergoing. I suppose I was afraid to step up and complain about the abuse, after all, I have been raised in a wolf pack family and one who used the Stockholm syndrome quite well. I feel guilt, shame, and an invasion of private family matters when I tell anyone of the hell I have been living in for years. Those feelings I now know were built into me, trained into my head when I was a child. The end of abuse is when the victim speaks out & ends their silence. I have ended mine and I am unfurling my sails.

A little note about the name I chose to write under. I have been inspired greatly by a small red book that one of the best female friends I have had gave to me about a decade ago. For some reason, about 3 years ago, I picked this book up and read it again. Instead of just glossing over the pages, this time I listened and I absorbed. They say when the student is ready, the Guru appears. Mine appeared and since that time I have tried to live those Yogic Shaivism ethics. These ethics have allowed me to rise up from the ashes of the devastation I have lived through and transform my life....and to have the strength to transform my life still. Ahimsa is non violence, Satya is truth, and Kashmiri is a reference to the area of India where these ideas were written about in the book. The book is Yoga of the Heart, Ten Ethical Principles for Gaining Limitless Growth, Confidence, and Achievement by Alice Christensen. Many thanks to the author and many thanks to the soul sister who had given the book to me. Thanks for reading, have a great day.