There's advice all over the Internet and in books and articles everywhere that tell one how to fight back against abuse. The first thing you can do is to tell everyone else about the harassment and abuse. It is said that this step, coming out of secrecy and shining the light of day on the abuse is the first step towards healing yourself. This is where you find out exactly who your real friends are and who is just as messed up as the people abusing you.
Perfect example...I have a "friend" that is involved in my family's affairs to a certain extent. She is, unfortunately, ever-present in my community. I have had problems with her in the past. She was obscenely jealous of my education in college and even worse when I went to grad school. I guess growing up in a family of sociopaths gives you a strange view of what love and friendship is all about. You tend to (you can read this in articles as well) surround yourself with sociopaths like the ones at home because it feels "right" to you. Love is conditional in your family and it becomes that way in friendships and with your boyfriends/ girlfriends. Extremely judgemental people who are controlling seems like home to you so you welcome them in. So I have to forgive myself for having invited her in several times.
Anyway, this "friend" over the years has pulled some wild things. I dated a NPD years back and she took his side in a lot of things, saying I was wrong and he was on the right side of things. She knew I was abused by him physically and raped as well by him. She still took his side. Yeah, friends are supposed to wish you well, not take the side of your abuser. Once I got rid of him, I did the "fade" on her as well. I just didn't need toxic people in my life. She visited me once in grad school...that was like the last straw. She managed in one night to insult me horribly in front of my professional school friends, befriend a girl from my school that no one could stand, watch while I got physically sick with apathy, and tell my my friends were imaginary because she didn't meet most of them that night. "Questions your perception of reality.."...certainly a trait of an abusive person in your life.
Lucky me, she is associated with my family now. Best is, Momster has treated her like she is her replacement daughter to me, flattering her, using her financially, and all around kissing her ass. The psychotic Twister game of manipulation that goes on between those two must be amazing. I go cross-eyed thinking about the conversations they have. I digress...
So after I left the uBPDxbf, I am now in the area with this "friend". I set out boundaries straight out. Tell her I was abused (she probably thought I made that one up too) and that I need my privacy. In other words, kindly back off--I need my space. I told her that the NPD was a saint compared to what the uBPDxbf had done to me. She had no emotion to this, didn't even flinch. I was astonished at her callousness. Then after things busted out with my family last year, I told her a little of what they were up to as well. Some of the stalking, some of the things that were said, how my mother treated me, how I was fearful of my own brother, etc. Not only did she act like she didn't care, she dismissed my accusations of abuse. "Oh, everyone has family trouble, Ahimsa." I could practically hear her rolling her eyes.
Every time a victim is dismissed and ignored by people and society at large, they help another crime to happen. After she had done this several times to me, I put her in the same category as my family...I am NC with her as well. She recently had a child and I am sorry, I see this as no saving grace for her. First off, if she is a BPD like my mother ("friend" has raged at me in the past) on top of having a drinking problem, that kid's life will be a mess. I fear for the hell that child will grow up in. The "friend" is still a heartless, cruel, superficial, climbing, back-stabbing "person". Just because she managed to have a child does not change that at all. She receives no pity or congratulations from me. I know exactly what that kid's life is going to be like, I am going through it now. I feel nothing for this "friend" and I see her like I see everyone else who dismisses me and my plight. This is where that phrase "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem" becomes true.
Using the Medium chill (from the BPD family boards) method with someone like her is the only thing you can do:
1. NEVER share personal information or private information about yourself.
2. NEVER get involved in their problems/ drama
3. Disconnect
4. Detach
Perfect example...I have a "friend" that is involved in my family's affairs to a certain extent. She is, unfortunately, ever-present in my community. I have had problems with her in the past. She was obscenely jealous of my education in college and even worse when I went to grad school. I guess growing up in a family of sociopaths gives you a strange view of what love and friendship is all about. You tend to (you can read this in articles as well) surround yourself with sociopaths like the ones at home because it feels "right" to you. Love is conditional in your family and it becomes that way in friendships and with your boyfriends/ girlfriends. Extremely judgemental people who are controlling seems like home to you so you welcome them in. So I have to forgive myself for having invited her in several times.
Anyway, this "friend" over the years has pulled some wild things. I dated a NPD years back and she took his side in a lot of things, saying I was wrong and he was on the right side of things. She knew I was abused by him physically and raped as well by him. She still took his side. Yeah, friends are supposed to wish you well, not take the side of your abuser. Once I got rid of him, I did the "fade" on her as well. I just didn't need toxic people in my life. She visited me once in grad school...that was like the last straw. She managed in one night to insult me horribly in front of my professional school friends, befriend a girl from my school that no one could stand, watch while I got physically sick with apathy, and tell my my friends were imaginary because she didn't meet most of them that night. "Questions your perception of reality.."...certainly a trait of an abusive person in your life.
Lucky me, she is associated with my family now. Best is, Momster has treated her like she is her replacement daughter to me, flattering her, using her financially, and all around kissing her ass. The psychotic Twister game of manipulation that goes on between those two must be amazing. I go cross-eyed thinking about the conversations they have. I digress...
So after I left the uBPDxbf, I am now in the area with this "friend". I set out boundaries straight out. Tell her I was abused (she probably thought I made that one up too) and that I need my privacy. In other words, kindly back off--I need my space. I told her that the NPD was a saint compared to what the uBPDxbf had done to me. She had no emotion to this, didn't even flinch. I was astonished at her callousness. Then after things busted out with my family last year, I told her a little of what they were up to as well. Some of the stalking, some of the things that were said, how my mother treated me, how I was fearful of my own brother, etc. Not only did she act like she didn't care, she dismissed my accusations of abuse. "Oh, everyone has family trouble, Ahimsa." I could practically hear her rolling her eyes.
Every time a victim is dismissed and ignored by people and society at large, they help another crime to happen. After she had done this several times to me, I put her in the same category as my family...I am NC with her as well. She recently had a child and I am sorry, I see this as no saving grace for her. First off, if she is a BPD like my mother ("friend" has raged at me in the past) on top of having a drinking problem, that kid's life will be a mess. I fear for the hell that child will grow up in. The "friend" is still a heartless, cruel, superficial, climbing, back-stabbing "person". Just because she managed to have a child does not change that at all. She receives no pity or congratulations from me. I know exactly what that kid's life is going to be like, I am going through it now. I feel nothing for this "friend" and I see her like I see everyone else who dismisses me and my plight. This is where that phrase "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem" becomes true.
Using the Medium chill (from the BPD family boards) method with someone like her is the only thing you can do:
1. NEVER share personal information or private information about yourself.
2. NEVER get involved in their problems/ drama
3. Disconnect
4. Detach
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